The next Friday when I messaged him he was still out. He had gone to a movie alone so he didn't message me until much later but we talked until 4am. Our conversation was lighthearted but sort of changed when we talked about the girls from his past. The ones he had been in love with. He told me that it had been three different girls. We discussed why it didn't work out and how long it took him to realise that he was in love with them. He then stated something that I was surprised about. He said that he was surprised that he had typed it as well but that it was something that he had already faced in the past. It wasn't anything bad but it was a very interesting confession. It was 4am and he had a big day ahead of him. He said that we would talk about it more at another time. I encouraged him to go to sleep and we said our goodnights.
The next night I message him and he answered a couple of hours later. He told me a bit about his busy day and then the messages stopped. I figured he had fallen asleep. The next morning he messaged apologising for not being able to chat further. He said that he had a hard night and gave me an explanation. He said that he was going to have a day to himself but that he would definitely be up for a chat later. That was the last time that I heard from him.
At first I thought that he was busy or maybe was really tired and had gone to bed early. I figured that he would send me a quick message the next day like he had when that happened in the past. But no message was sent and he never read the message I had sent on the Sunday telling him that I was going to sleep. By Tuesday I knew something was wrong. He still hadn't checked my messages and I hadn't heard from him any other way. I sent him another message but this time on a different message system that we rarely used. I told him that I was worried and wanted to make sure that he was okay. I also told him that if he no longer wanted to talk to me to let me know. It might seem hasty, but it was totally out of character for him. I was starting to get worried.
It might seem like I was jumping the gun or overreacting but I could feel that something was different. I had this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach and it was causing me anxiety. I think that the main reason for this is because the same thing used to happen with my ex-boyfriend. While we were dating he would just disappear. He would stop talking to me for no reason and then start communication again days, sometimes weeks later. He would always have a lame excuse but I am the forgiving type and I am also the type of person who is willing to give people the benefit of the doubt. It is one of my faults and one of my strengths. The worst thing about it is that it allows people to walk over me. But, they only get so many chances to do so before I have had enough and cut them out of my life.
My biggest fear was that he was ghosting on me. Ghosting is a relatively new term that has really become common place with the online dating era. It has become socially acceptable to not face someone in some form to tell them that you no longer want to date them. Instead, people just cut off all communication. No discussion, no excuses, no reasons given, no warnings. They just disappear like a ghost. Hence the term. That is ultimately what happened with my ex. After two years of dating he just disappeared for good. It was and is one of the most horrible situations that you can ever deal with. It is literally emotional, mental, and physical torture. It hurts like hell and it causes you to go through so many emotions and self doubt. It tortures you because it puts you into a state of unknown. This is what I was going through again and this time it hurt worse. I'm not a person who cries easily but I cried quite a bit. I'm sure a lot of that had to do with hormones as well but it was also the familiarity of having experienced this in the past and knowing what the outcome was. I didn't handle it well the last time. I spiraled into a depression and gained more weight. I didn't want that to happen again. Then I did something stupid. I sent him an email that weekend telling him how he was torturing me and basically begged him to message me so that I would know that he was alright. I shouldn't have.
One of the craziest things about being ghosted is that you are in such a horrible state of denial and confusion that you start coming up with reasons why someone would just cut off all communication for no apparent reason. I came up with excuses for him like: he was in a bad accident, something happened to someone in his family, he had to leave the country due to an emergency, his phone broke, he had no form of communication, he decided to not continue with the separation, he was too overcome with depression to talk to me, and the worst thought of all was that maybe he died. That is how irrational you become when your mind just can't comprehend how someone could be so cold and insensitive. Then you start to doubt yourself. You think that you must have done or said something wrong. You re-read your final conversations looking for clues. You start to believe that you are stupid, naïve, and undesirable. Your self esteem, no matter how confident you are, takes a huge blow. The biggest thing is that you just need an answer. You want some kind of relief, however small, so that you can get some sort of closure, so that you can move on.
It has been three weeks now and I still haven't heard anything. I assume that he got my email and it probably confirmed for him that I'm crazy. I seriously think that I sounded like a crazy person in it but like I said, I was going through a lot and I was experiencing emotional deja vu. He should know that it was an irrational response. He knows that I'm normally a very strong person. I did send another message to him a week and a half ago. It shows that he read it that Friday. He still never responded. In the message I basically told him that I wanted him to keep his word. We had actually discussed ghosting a couple of months ago. He had said that he would never do that to someone, instead he would face them and tell them that he no longer wanted to see them. In my message, I was basically asking him not to be a hypocrite.
He has discussed in the past that he battles with severe depression sometimes. If that is what's happening I would hope that he could gather enough strength to just let me know that is the issue. I don't know what his reasons are but I would like to have at least some sort of conversation about it. I thought that we were heading in a good direction. I thought that we had a future together, even if it was just as friends. I'm wondering if maybe he started dating too soon. That he needs to get his life together and get himself settled before he can actually consider dating or a possible relationship. Maybe he took my advise from before and decided to date someone else. I still deserve to know. Or maybe, I'm still just making excuses for him because I don't want to face the reality that he no longer wants to talk to me or have me in his life.
For me, it's not too late to fix this. Like I said before, I have a very forgiving nature even though he hurt me. But, that window will eventually close. I'm hoping that he will realise that what we had was unique and that he won't just throw it away. Finding someone that shares the same goals and mutual respect seems to be almost impossible these days. What I had with him, even just in the early stages of dating, is very rare. I'm hoping that he realises this before it's too late. I don't know if he'll ever read these posts. I hope that if he does he will see the affect that he has had on my life in such a short time. He had become someone that I trusted and someone that I cared for. I'm not in love with him yet but I could see myself eventually heading that way once we got to know each other a bit more and we were able to spend more time together.
One thing I must note is that I will always be grateful to him for showing me what it's like to date a gentleman. He treated me like a queen and made me feel important. It gave me just a taste of what I have been longing for all of my life. Unfortunately, it's very rare to find when you are my size. When you are viewed as an object or a fantasy fulfiller. If this is the end of our time together, which I hope it's not, I at least know that his treatment of me while we were on dates is what I will look for from guys in the future.
Maybe he'll message me and we'll talk it out. Maybe he'll show up at the Halloween party that we were supposed to go to together at the Duke Live on October 29th. Or, maybe I'll never hear from him again... Who knows? What I do know is either way, I wish him the best. I hope that he gets what he wants and needs in his life. Most of all, I hope he finds internal peace.
xoxo
Lors
Sunday, 11 September 2016
Monday, 5 September 2016
Just a Taste
I'm going to start with something that happened to me recently because I really need to deal with it. Well, I have been dealing with it but I haven't been doing a good job of it. About five months ago or so, I met a guy online. It was on a dating site for fatties and their admirers. I had been on the site since July 2015 and hadn't had much luck. I had made some friends but I found that the main interest was in my body and how it could fulfill the fantasies of the guys who messaged me. Many who contacted me were Feeders. I was very clear in my profile that I wasn't interested in being a Gainer or a Feedee. I'm happy with myself as I am. If a guy can't accept me as is then they aren't the guy for me.
Most of the time the conversation would start with the normal pleasantries. They were usually complimentary, which I thanked them for. We would talk about the normal getting to know you subjects but they would ultimately steer the conversation back to their fantasy. They would focus on me as an object instead of a person. I would get so frustrated. I would try to get them to change the subject but it would only last a short time until it was brought up again. We would get into arguments about it and most of the time they would try to turn my demand for respect around on me. I received responses like, "I can't help what I like." or "Why are you trying to make me feel guilty for being into SSBBWs?" or "You should be flattered that I am so into your body size." They never seemed to get it when I would point out that there is a soul inside my body, that I'm not just made of fat. It got to the point where I didn't take any possible sincere messages that I received seriously. I was that jaded. That was, until he messaged me.
I honestly can't remember the first message he sent me. It was something that made me want to have a conversation with him though. He seemed nice enough. I remember that he made me laugh, he was cute in his pictures, and he was local. We started chatting. As we messaged back and forth I realised that he was a decent guy. We talked about a bunch of interests. He had actually read my profile and would ask me to expand on topics that I had noted in it. He was interested in me as a person. It was very refreshing. Not once did he bring up my body. He was complimentary, but no fantasies were voiced, and no red flags were raised. He confessed right away that he was going through a separation that had just begun a couple of months before. He wanted to be upfront and honest. I appreciated that because he was giving me the choice of wanting to continue or not. We started chatting offline and shortly after, fed up with the site that we had met on, he deleted his profile.
We started out talking every two or three days. He made me laugh a lot and we both enjoyed our conversations. He asked me on a date in April but I had planned to go to a local party with a friend that day. I ended up hurting myself so I didn't go. I regretted having to decline his invitation. He assured me that he would ask again. He kept his promise and asked me out in May. I picked a restaurant close to me and met him there. I wasn't sure how it would go, but one thing I knew was that I wanted to stay friends with him regardless of how the date went. He had made that good of an impression on me. Since he had never really focused on my body or size I wasn't sure if he realised how big I really was. He had seen pictures of me, but lets face it, a picture only lets you see so much. He said that he would be fine with me at any size, I was still nervous.
When we finally met in person it was an instant attraction on both sides. He assured me later that he thought that I was more attractive in person, although he really liked my pictures too. We had a great dinner and then went for coffee. He didn't want to take me home so he drove all over the city for hours while we talked. It was a great date. It was nice just finally being with him in person. One thing that I must note is that he was a total gentleman. He held doors, pulled out chairs, closed my door after I got in the car, and walked me to my door. He gave me a hug at the door and a kiss on the cheek. I was glad that he didn't try more because we were strangers still at that point... Plus, I was hoping that our first kiss would be more special. I looked forward to our next date.
We weren't able to go on another date until the July long weekend. Due to the wait, and amount of time that he would be able to spend with me, he planned a date on both the Friday and Saturday. My birthday had been at the end of May so he planned to take me to get my birthday present. I had mentioned that one of my favourite authors was Charles Dickens. He took me to the bookstore to let me pick out the one I hadn't read yet. It was extremely thoughtful. I really appreciated it and it made me feel special. He planned a bunch of things for us to do which were all fun. We finally kissed that evening for the first time. It was in a lovely spot at the top of the bluffs overlooking the lake. It was sweet and memorable.
The next night we went for dinner. I was going to be leaving for the Las Vegas bash the following weekend and I wanted to make sure that he was okay with it. We had a very serious discussion about him dating other women. I encouraged him to do so. I was afraid that since he had only really dated me that I might end up being his rebound. It was the last thing I wanted, so if dating others guaranteed that wouldn't happen, I was willing to push him in that direction. He assured me that he didn't want to date anyone else and that I was not going to be his rebound. But, due to the tone of our conversation, and the topic, he thought that I was pushing him away. Breaking up with him in a way, although we were still dating and not in a relationship. On ride back from dinner he was different. He usually held my hand while driving but he didn't this time. I could tell that he was upset. I had him drive to the beach. We sat in the car and talked it out. He realised that I wasn't pushing him away. I was giving him an out. Something that he didn't want. We confirmed that we wanted to continue dating. We left on great terms and chatted every day until my trip.
I went to the Vegas bash the following weekend. I was gone for two weeks. I messaged him when I could. It was hard because I was constantly doing something or out and about. Plus, the three hour time difference didn't help. We chatted at length a couple of times. I talked to him almost every day after I got back and we planned our next date. It was the holiday weekend. We went to an interesting place that he researched, we ordered food and took it with us, and then went for a drive. We talked a lot again. That's the thing about us, we never ran out of subjects to talk about. It was so comfortable. We had a lot in common. I found the things that we didn't have in common most interesting. I really liked learning about him. His past and his current life. It felt like we were growing closer. We talked basically everyday. We always said that we enjoyed our conversations. We started talking about the near future. We planned another date for two weeks after that one.
This time we went for dinner and to a movie. During the whole movie we held hands. He caressed my arm and hand the whole time. I enjoyed every moment of it. We drove to the beach and talked for a while. We made out, a lot. We were becoming so much more comfortable with each other. We even talked about it later after he got home. That date changed a lot for me. It made me see that I was really ready to open up to someone again. To finally start letting my guard down. It was the turning point for me. I talked to my friends about it. I told them that I really liked him and that I was looking forward to seeing him again. Over the next couple of days we started discussing New Years Eve. Making plans for what to do that night. I had planned on going to Michigan to see friends, but the plans weren't solid, and I knew that I would rather spend it with him at his new place. Well, once he got one.
This post is very long... I know what to do!
To be continued...
Most of the time the conversation would start with the normal pleasantries. They were usually complimentary, which I thanked them for. We would talk about the normal getting to know you subjects but they would ultimately steer the conversation back to their fantasy. They would focus on me as an object instead of a person. I would get so frustrated. I would try to get them to change the subject but it would only last a short time until it was brought up again. We would get into arguments about it and most of the time they would try to turn my demand for respect around on me. I received responses like, "I can't help what I like." or "Why are you trying to make me feel guilty for being into SSBBWs?" or "You should be flattered that I am so into your body size." They never seemed to get it when I would point out that there is a soul inside my body, that I'm not just made of fat. It got to the point where I didn't take any possible sincere messages that I received seriously. I was that jaded. That was, until he messaged me.
I honestly can't remember the first message he sent me. It was something that made me want to have a conversation with him though. He seemed nice enough. I remember that he made me laugh, he was cute in his pictures, and he was local. We started chatting. As we messaged back and forth I realised that he was a decent guy. We talked about a bunch of interests. He had actually read my profile and would ask me to expand on topics that I had noted in it. He was interested in me as a person. It was very refreshing. Not once did he bring up my body. He was complimentary, but no fantasies were voiced, and no red flags were raised. He confessed right away that he was going through a separation that had just begun a couple of months before. He wanted to be upfront and honest. I appreciated that because he was giving me the choice of wanting to continue or not. We started chatting offline and shortly after, fed up with the site that we had met on, he deleted his profile.
We started out talking every two or three days. He made me laugh a lot and we both enjoyed our conversations. He asked me on a date in April but I had planned to go to a local party with a friend that day. I ended up hurting myself so I didn't go. I regretted having to decline his invitation. He assured me that he would ask again. He kept his promise and asked me out in May. I picked a restaurant close to me and met him there. I wasn't sure how it would go, but one thing I knew was that I wanted to stay friends with him regardless of how the date went. He had made that good of an impression on me. Since he had never really focused on my body or size I wasn't sure if he realised how big I really was. He had seen pictures of me, but lets face it, a picture only lets you see so much. He said that he would be fine with me at any size, I was still nervous.
When we finally met in person it was an instant attraction on both sides. He assured me later that he thought that I was more attractive in person, although he really liked my pictures too. We had a great dinner and then went for coffee. He didn't want to take me home so he drove all over the city for hours while we talked. It was a great date. It was nice just finally being with him in person. One thing that I must note is that he was a total gentleman. He held doors, pulled out chairs, closed my door after I got in the car, and walked me to my door. He gave me a hug at the door and a kiss on the cheek. I was glad that he didn't try more because we were strangers still at that point... Plus, I was hoping that our first kiss would be more special. I looked forward to our next date.
We weren't able to go on another date until the July long weekend. Due to the wait, and amount of time that he would be able to spend with me, he planned a date on both the Friday and Saturday. My birthday had been at the end of May so he planned to take me to get my birthday present. I had mentioned that one of my favourite authors was Charles Dickens. He took me to the bookstore to let me pick out the one I hadn't read yet. It was extremely thoughtful. I really appreciated it and it made me feel special. He planned a bunch of things for us to do which were all fun. We finally kissed that evening for the first time. It was in a lovely spot at the top of the bluffs overlooking the lake. It was sweet and memorable.
The next night we went for dinner. I was going to be leaving for the Las Vegas bash the following weekend and I wanted to make sure that he was okay with it. We had a very serious discussion about him dating other women. I encouraged him to do so. I was afraid that since he had only really dated me that I might end up being his rebound. It was the last thing I wanted, so if dating others guaranteed that wouldn't happen, I was willing to push him in that direction. He assured me that he didn't want to date anyone else and that I was not going to be his rebound. But, due to the tone of our conversation, and the topic, he thought that I was pushing him away. Breaking up with him in a way, although we were still dating and not in a relationship. On ride back from dinner he was different. He usually held my hand while driving but he didn't this time. I could tell that he was upset. I had him drive to the beach. We sat in the car and talked it out. He realised that I wasn't pushing him away. I was giving him an out. Something that he didn't want. We confirmed that we wanted to continue dating. We left on great terms and chatted every day until my trip.
I went to the Vegas bash the following weekend. I was gone for two weeks. I messaged him when I could. It was hard because I was constantly doing something or out and about. Plus, the three hour time difference didn't help. We chatted at length a couple of times. I talked to him almost every day after I got back and we planned our next date. It was the holiday weekend. We went to an interesting place that he researched, we ordered food and took it with us, and then went for a drive. We talked a lot again. That's the thing about us, we never ran out of subjects to talk about. It was so comfortable. We had a lot in common. I found the things that we didn't have in common most interesting. I really liked learning about him. His past and his current life. It felt like we were growing closer. We talked basically everyday. We always said that we enjoyed our conversations. We started talking about the near future. We planned another date for two weeks after that one.
This time we went for dinner and to a movie. During the whole movie we held hands. He caressed my arm and hand the whole time. I enjoyed every moment of it. We drove to the beach and talked for a while. We made out, a lot. We were becoming so much more comfortable with each other. We even talked about it later after he got home. That date changed a lot for me. It made me see that I was really ready to open up to someone again. To finally start letting my guard down. It was the turning point for me. I talked to my friends about it. I told them that I really liked him and that I was looking forward to seeing him again. Over the next couple of days we started discussing New Years Eve. Making plans for what to do that night. I had planned on going to Michigan to see friends, but the plans weren't solid, and I knew that I would rather spend it with him at his new place. Well, once he got one.
This post is very long... I know what to do!
To be continued...
Sunday, 4 September 2016
So, it's been a while... Let's catch up!
I can't believe that it has been over two and a half years since I've posted on this blog. I have to admit that I have really missed it. It's really therapeutic for me in a way. It allows me to get out my frustrations and basically talk out my feelings, observations, or anything that I've learned about myself and others around me. Sometimes it's just a way for me to deal.
So much has happened since I last posted. So many changes in my life and new experiences. I've changed positions at my job three times, I've gone on a double cruise vacation. I've been to four BBW bashes. I've gained several new friends. I joined a BBW dating type of site where I met an amazing guy who I started dating. My life has changed quite a bit.
My next couple of posts will be about the experiences I've had and the things I've learned. Hopefully they won't be too boring...
XOXO
LORS
XOXO
LORS
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