The next Friday when I messaged him he was still out. He had gone to a movie alone so he didn't message me until much later but we talked until 4am. Our conversation was lighthearted but sort of changed when we talked about the girls from his past. The ones he had been in love with. He told me that it had been three different girls. We discussed why it didn't work out and how long it took him to realise that he was in love with them. He then stated something that I was surprised about. He said that he was surprised that he had typed it as well but that it was something that he had already faced in the past. It wasn't anything bad but it was a very interesting confession. It was 4am and he had a big day ahead of him. He said that we would talk about it more at another time. I encouraged him to go to sleep and we said our goodnights.
The next night I message him and he answered a couple of hours later. He told me a bit about his busy day and then the messages stopped. I figured he had fallen asleep. The next morning he messaged apologising for not being able to chat further. He said that he had a hard night and gave me an explanation. He said that he was going to have a day to himself but that he would definitely be up for a chat later. That was the last time that I heard from him.
At first I thought that he was busy or maybe was really tired and had gone to bed early. I figured that he would send me a quick message the next day like he had when that happened in the past. But no message was sent and he never read the message I had sent on the Sunday telling him that I was going to sleep. By Tuesday I knew something was wrong. He still hadn't checked my messages and I hadn't heard from him any other way. I sent him another message but this time on a different message system that we rarely used. I told him that I was worried and wanted to make sure that he was okay. I also told him that if he no longer wanted to talk to me to let me know. It might seem hasty, but it was totally out of character for him. I was starting to get worried.
It might seem like I was jumping the gun or overreacting but I could feel that something was different. I had this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach and it was causing me anxiety. I think that the main reason for this is because the same thing used to happen with my ex-boyfriend. While we were dating he would just disappear. He would stop talking to me for no reason and then start communication again days, sometimes weeks later. He would always have a lame excuse but I am the forgiving type and I am also the type of person who is willing to give people the benefit of the doubt. It is one of my faults and one of my strengths. The worst thing about it is that it allows people to walk over me. But, they only get so many chances to do so before I have had enough and cut them out of my life.
My biggest fear was that he was ghosting on me. Ghosting is a relatively new term that has really become common place with the online dating era. It has become socially acceptable to not face someone in some form to tell them that you no longer want to date them. Instead, people just cut off all communication. No discussion, no excuses, no reasons given, no warnings. They just disappear like a ghost. Hence the term. That is ultimately what happened with my ex. After two years of dating he just disappeared for good. It was and is one of the most horrible situations that you can ever deal with. It is literally emotional, mental, and physical torture. It hurts like hell and it causes you to go through so many emotions and self doubt. It tortures you because it puts you into a state of unknown. This is what I was going through again and this time it hurt worse. I'm not a person who cries easily but I cried quite a bit. I'm sure a lot of that had to do with hormones as well but it was also the familiarity of having experienced this in the past and knowing what the outcome was. I didn't handle it well the last time. I spiraled into a depression and gained more weight. I didn't want that to happen again. Then I did something stupid. I sent him an email that weekend telling him how he was torturing me and basically begged him to message me so that I would know that he was alright. I shouldn't have.
One of the craziest things about being ghosted is that you are in such a horrible state of denial and confusion that you start coming up with reasons why someone would just cut off all communication for no apparent reason. I came up with excuses for him like: he was in a bad accident, something happened to someone in his family, he had to leave the country due to an emergency, his phone broke, he had no form of communication, he decided to not continue with the separation, he was too overcome with depression to talk to me, and the worst thought of all was that maybe he died. That is how irrational you become when your mind just can't comprehend how someone could be so cold and insensitive. Then you start to doubt yourself. You think that you must have done or said something wrong. You re-read your final conversations looking for clues. You start to believe that you are stupid, naïve, and undesirable. Your self esteem, no matter how confident you are, takes a huge blow. The biggest thing is that you just need an answer. You want some kind of relief, however small, so that you can get some sort of closure, so that you can move on.
It has been three weeks now and I still haven't heard anything. I assume that he got my email and it probably confirmed for him that I'm crazy. I seriously think that I sounded like a crazy person in it but like I said, I was going through a lot and I was experiencing emotional deja vu. He should know that it was an irrational response. He knows that I'm normally a very strong person. I did send another message to him a week and a half ago. It shows that he read it that Friday. He still never responded. In the message I basically told him that I wanted him to keep his word. We had actually discussed ghosting a couple of months ago. He had said that he would never do that to someone, instead he would face them and tell them that he no longer wanted to see them. In my message, I was basically asking him not to be a hypocrite.
He has discussed in the past that he battles with severe depression sometimes. If that is what's happening I would hope that he could gather enough strength to just let me know that is the issue. I don't know what his reasons are but I would like to have at least some sort of conversation about it. I thought that we were heading in a good direction. I thought that we had a future together, even if it was just as friends. I'm wondering if maybe he started dating too soon. That he needs to get his life together and get himself settled before he can actually consider dating or a possible relationship. Maybe he took my advise from before and decided to date someone else. I still deserve to know. Or maybe, I'm still just making excuses for him because I don't want to face the reality that he no longer wants to talk to me or have me in his life.
For me, it's not too late to fix this. Like I said before, I have a very forgiving nature even though he hurt me. But, that window will eventually close. I'm hoping that he will realise that what we had was unique and that he won't just throw it away. Finding someone that shares the same goals and mutual respect seems to be almost impossible these days. What I had with him, even just in the early stages of dating, is very rare. I'm hoping that he realises this before it's too late. I don't know if he'll ever read these posts. I hope that if he does he will see the affect that he has had on my life in such a short time. He had become someone that I trusted and someone that I cared for. I'm not in love with him yet but I could see myself eventually heading that way once we got to know each other a bit more and we were able to spend more time together.
One thing I must note is that I will always be grateful to him for showing me what it's like to date a gentleman. He treated me like a queen and made me feel important. It gave me just a taste of what I have been longing for all of my life. Unfortunately, it's very rare to find when you are my size. When you are viewed as an object or a fantasy fulfiller. If this is the end of our time together, which I hope it's not, I at least know that his treatment of me while we were on dates is what I will look for from guys in the future.
Maybe he'll message me and we'll talk it out. Maybe he'll show up at the Halloween party that we were supposed to go to together at the Duke Live on October 29th. Or, maybe I'll never hear from him again... Who knows? What I do know is either way, I wish him the best. I hope that he gets what he wants and needs in his life. Most of all, I hope he finds internal peace.
xoxo
Lors
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